New 3 Page short. Looking for opinions and advice.

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[andyblaa]

I like the payoff at the end and it's well written as usual but the whole first two pages are completely redundant. I'm sure if you read it back you'll know what I mean. I know the point is to show him doing what he is talking about but it's very boring. It's the old show don't tell routine but you show and tell. I'm sure there's a better way to accomplish it. I think to be honest I would have turned it off after the first minute. I think you can find a more interesting way to show his aspirations for when he gets old and him actually being old.

I think it has potential though, for a really easily filmable short. Just re-write the first two pages!

Andy

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ April 19, 2004 07:00 PM: Message edited by: andyblaa ]</font>

[ac_01]

The pay-off didn't work for me. Saw it coming and seemed rather dull. The dialogue showed promise.

YOUNG VOICE (V.O.)
When you're young, old age is
more than a lifetime away.

Thats a good line. I expected more of that throughout but it wasn't there. As Andy said, you need to find a better way to acomplish what you set out to do. The mood and showing the old man doing something more meaningful might solve that problem.

[bigmasi]

Liked it, but I have this thing about voice-overs. I just hate them! Could you do it without?

(Of course I understand that it would make it much more difficult to shoot if you'd write a war scene, but think about it...)

[Tongachud]

I like it but...
The first two pages are like a Werthers Originals Toffee advert and I guessed the old boy died in the war when he talks about his regimental mates and wanting to see old age.

For me the worst thing about dying young would be missing the middle of your life, the part where you sort yourself out and do everything, meet and fall in love with women, have kids, careers, experiences. I think you need to make more of that loss than just not being able to fix clocks when your 80 (he seems alone at this time so who's gonna miss him?)

I'd expand the photo idea, using a series of pictures (or cameos of the pictures being taken) to tell the story of his life that might've been, then return to the old photo at the payoff - maybe he dissapears from the photo's like Marty McFly; er, I'll get me coat shall I?

I'm with Andy on its potential/filmability though.

Tonga

[Tongachud]

Liked it, but I have this thing about voice-overs. I just hate them! Could you do it without?

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Do you hate Shawshank Redemption, Taxi Driver, Goodfella's, Usual Suspects, Apocolypse Now, Double Indemnity, Platoon, Barry Lyndon etc etc ad nauseum?
Or do you just hate bad voice-over?

tonga

[crookedfeatures]

I liked it. It kind of reminded me of "Jacob's Ladder" (except I really hated that movie). I don't think it was anything that hasn't been done before but shot well and with good actors it would still be a project of value. The ending is not a surprise but like I say if you shoot it well it's still a fitting tribute to service men/women - particularly Lines obviously. (is he a relative or something?)
I don't think there's anything wrong with the beginning either, I wouldn't say it was too long as I'm sure it'd transfer to film as only a minute or two. That's the main problem I have with it really no matter what you do (short of "padding" - ugh) it's a very short short. A "one minute movie" maybe. Anything else and you'll be too "short" in my opinion.

It smacks of padding and is a bit of a cliche but you could shift from the close up of the photo to the soldier as a young man fixing his watch/doing a crossword in a barracks or something and then he gets the same picture taken as the sirens start going. then back to the old man's room for your pay off. The problem you have then is that you can't use a genuine photo from 1945 because obviously you'll have another actor playing that guy as a young man.

I'm sure there are other things you could do to expand that picture's relevance to the piece as a whole.

additionally at the start you could further explore why young men at war say they don't want to live to be old men. Surely it's their defence mechanism. You just touch on that, it might pay to explore it further.

even then I think you'll struggle to reach 5 minutes. And if you do you'll then struggle to keep that 5 mins interesting. That sounds so negative and I don't mean it to be coz I liked the story.

I'm not a big fan of voice overs either but they are a useful tool - particularly in short films.

[jitesh]

Pluses
1. Great Dialogue
2. Nice Idea

Minuses
1. The first two pages where he talks are very boring. Try to create a story into it.
2. Nothing is happening except that we know that the military fella is dead. Try to make something happen.
3. While reading I did not care for the character. Bring in something to make the reader care about him.

Conclusion
Write another draft with more matter than just text and dialogue

[deanl]

Hey there.

That's fine.

Yeah... It kinda reminds me of a TV add for Remembrance Day or something. Like all that's needed it a "Never Forget" at the end and a red poppy.

The way I see it, this short isn't really about a sucker punch twist at the end. It's not about shocking people. I guess it's about trying to get an emotion across. It's not "cool" or "trendy" Is it soppy? Sentimental? I think so. It's just a gentle little film I guess. I'm sure many people with have the same feelings as you. To be honest. On seeing this short I think I would too. But still. Those Worthers Original adverts are very popular. And somebody somewhere has to write and shoot em.

I just got the idea for the short after doing this fx test http://www.geocities.com/despin2002/test3.mov earlier today for a different short.

Despin out.

[emjen]

I liked it. Those things described don't have to be 'exciting storie-things'. In fact, they have to be the opposite. They have to be the little things that matter. And you did that quite well.

Nothing wrong with it IMO. Liked the theme.